A former film critic has chucked it in and now reviews movies before either of you have seen them.
THE SCARLET LETTER
Demi Moore canÆt act. Roger Moore canÆt act. Coincidance or conspiracy? Patrick Moore canÆt act either but he knows about stars and Ms Moore is certainly a star. Gary Oldman is no star but he can act though he seems to spend most of his time hamming up Hollywood dross, having cornered the market in twitchy eyeball-rolling maniacs and period dandies. His best work by far was for British TV, as Bex Bissell, estate agent cum football hooligan in The Firm, and for Mike Leigh in Mean Time, in which he co-starred with Tim Roth. Fellow Brit yob and ersatz yank, Roth is a fine actor who was completely shit in Pulp Fiction, even put to shame by hamburger salesman and all-round cheeseball Bruce Willis - yes, Mr Demi Moore. But my point is, as far as acting ability is concerned, less is Moore, and star quality, charisma, charm - whatever you want to call it, is ultimately what really matters. How else could you explain the success of balding Willis over the legion of uber-luvvies that are currently residing in TV sitcom hell? I suspect that The Scarlet Letter with its heaving bosoms, Michael Bolton hairpieces, historical untruths and risible dialogue is piss-poor and not really my bag but according to some no-mark from GMTV on the poster, the film is "wonderful" so I guess it must be.
9 out of 10
TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, JULIE NEWMAR!
Some like it hot. Then again, some like it pre-digested, sicked-up and reheated. I like the title of this film though. Who or what in GodÆs name is a æWong FooÆ. Sounds like something incredible cooked in hair gel on a Chinese takeaway menu: no.2 (Cheap-Jibes-R-Us, 50p). Julie Newmar on the other hand is the first woman I ever loved. As you may or may not recall, she starred for a spell as Catwoman, the PVC temptress in the 1960Æs TV series Batman - which of course offers what was and still is the only decent version of the Caped Crusader. NO, not because it is camp and oh-so-postmodern, but because it doesnÆt take itself seriously - unlike Tim BurtonÆs miserablist updates or the recently released Batman Forever with its jokey mucho macho homo-po-mo gung-ho subtext (check out the latest Batsuit with its piping on the arse cleavage). Which reminds me, Burt Ward - Robin in the original series - had a massive member which had to be strapped under his tights, a problem no doubt encountered by Messrs Swayze, Snipes and Leguizamo, stars of this lame transvestite travesty. By most accounts, this movie is a tame version of Priscilla : Queen of the Desert , the Antipodean cross-dressing roadmovie which features Sixties pretty boy Terence Stamp (aka Smarmy Virgin Airlines Advert Ponce) in drag. Terrible casting but a better choice than Bob Hoskins. Stay at home.
9 out of 10
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